Whenever I have a relationship talk with a fellow man, I always take some time to sit down with him and explore what qualities pique his interest when he sees a woman, what has drawn his eye to one woman over another.
While some of these have been, of course, shallow, others have surprised me. Seeing a woman perform a kind act might make a guy do a double-take vs. if she’d just been looking fine in a bodycon dress.
These are the most common things my male friends have told me over the years that have drawn them to somen almost mechanically.
1. Self-esteem
How do you hold yourself: slumped forward or straight-backed? Do you stare at the ground or look straight ahead?
In a world where the attentions of men can be dangerous, it can be extremely difficult for many women to exhibit confidence and self-esteem since even the mere act of glancing at a man could induce him to violence.
Regardless, if a woman feels comfortable and knows she’s in a safe place and brings out her full confident self, it’s an attractive feature, one that many men have commented as the number 1 thing they look for.
2. Kindness
Scientists have proven that, for both men and women, kindness is a desirable trait in a long-term partner.
It makes sense. Who wants to date an asshole? We want someone who is going to at least offer us the same basic human courtesy they’d afford to a stranger plus some.
If someone’s rude or mean to servers, baristas, etc. on a date, it’s not likely they’ll get a second one.
This isn’t about being fake or a doormat either. If you don’t enjoy or want to do something, voice that, but be diplomatic (“Hey, I’m not really enjoying all of the loud music. Could we pick someone else?”).
3. Attitude toward other women
Nearly every male friend I’ve talked to has dated a jealous woman. Jealousy is bred from insecurity and fear, which is a nasty mix that will poison any relationship it runs rampant in.
Notice how you talk about other women while you’re out with a guy. Do you disparage their bodies, looks, or clothes? Do you push him to talk about his exes and tell you all the bad dirt?
If you’re trying to make yourself feel or look superior by putting down other women, you’re raising yourself up on a pair of wobbly sticks. You’re depending on other people looking “bad” to make yourself look “good.” Men want self-confidence and self-esteem, and that has to be built on your own sense of self-worth, not on how you feel about other women.
4. Laughing and smiling
Again, it may not always feel safe for a woman to laugh or smile, but when she does, it’s certain men will turn to look at her. She’s showing her emotions, and men want to be there for it, especially if they get to be the one to make her laugh or smile.
5. Style
Guys will admit that they aren’t paying attention to the color of your nails or the cut of your clothes, but they’ll notice if something looks nice on you or not. Some men too like women in certain outfits: sweatpants and Uggs or cardigan and khakis.
Wear things you like that you feel comfortable in, but also notice if men seem to approach you more often when you’re wearing certain outfits.
6. Independence
Good guys don’t want half-women, women who are intent on making them a project piece or pinning a GPS tracker to their jacket and showing up wherever they are.
They want women with their own jobs, hobbies, interests, and friends. Major bonus points too if she’s also financially independent, so she’s not dragging her bad decisions into the relationship.
Mostly, these guys want to know their partners can take care of themselves, and that can be indicated by whether you have a career or job, friends, hobbies, etc.
7. Emotional health
The “crazy” woman has become a damaging stereotype, but it didn’t arise out of nowhere. A woman’s fear or insecurity can make her act irrationally. She may attack, insult, or try to control a situation she would have been better walking away.
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