Rose Nansubuga (not real names) is a hardworking and a dedicated primary school teacher. Her students know her as very patient and understanding woman. Perhaps she learnt her patience and understanding through many hardships in her home which she cannot call a marital home, because she is not yet officially married. She has been cohabiting with a man for five years and a year ago she called it enough.
When Rose finished her primary teacher training course she looked forward to be employed and possibly get married in a year or two. As she was looking out for a school that would employ her she got a surprise telephone call from Richard Mukasa, one of her village friend whom she had not seen for several years. He advised Rose to take up a teaching vacancy in a new school close to a Non-Governmental Organisation he was working for near Mityana. Rose considered herself very lucky and took up the job opportunity immediately. This timely help ignited fondness between Rose and Richard towards each other and they were happy to renew their friendship which they had in their teenage.
Being in a new environment Rose needed the help and support of Richard to settle down in her job and other domestic needs. Almost every other day they met each other in town and a serious relationship blossomed. Often Richard went out of his ways in caring for Rose and she considered herself very fortunate woman. All the first impression of Richard made deep impression in her early relationship with him. As she was in her early 20s life looked very bright and she almost concluded that Richard is Mr. Right with whom she can spend the rest of her life.
At the earliest invitation to move in with him, without giving a second thought, she readily accepted his invitation and went to share with him her life and not merely the same roof. Everything seemed glowing and rosy. In the months ahead Rose was pregnant with Richard’s child and she hoped that this new development will cement their relationship. But it was not so. Even before the birth of her first child Richard’s love for Rose weaned and she began to raise many questions.
Rose found herself at crossroads, of being a pregnant mother and unwanted woman by the man who fathered her unborn child. As she was in a relationship without the approval and blessing from her parents she could not lean on them for support and consolation. Rose cursed the day she met Richard and regretted accepting all the sweet words and apparent help from the man she did not know much.
At this point, Rose-Richard couple’s union was merely a relationship of convenience. They shared the roof but not a home. They shared bills but not thoughts. They shared the bed but not love and affection. They shared paternity and maternity but not parenthood. They shared words but not communication. The thing that they believed was not really love but infatuation, a kind of a feeling that was superficial and something that was forged to look real.
Often Rose considered herself as a victim of circumstance and felt that she was taken advantage of. Out of anger and frustration, when she would point out to Richard her contention, she was further made to feel guilty by Richard that she has received enough and more from him and she is not a good enough woman for him. He even began to accuse her of being a loose woman who could easily be bought by anyone.
Now Rose brought to her mind many words she said to her friends and colleagues defending her decision to cohabit with Richard a year ago. Her first reasoning was: “It’s more convenient for us.” But now bitterness has taught her that ‘Cohabitation for convenience is poor preparation for that kind of commitment. Couples who cohabit tend to experience superficial communication and uncommitted decision-making once they are married. Cohabitation for convenience does not allow a careful thought and adequate space necessary for making wise life decisions, worthy of life-long permanent relationship.
Rose-Richard couple’s second reasoning was: “We’re trying to save money for the wedding, so living together is more economical.” But they have realized sooner than later that saving little amount from rent and few other things are nothing compared to the need for space to make mature decisions. “Short-term savings are less important than investing in a lifetime relationship.”
Their third reasoning was: “Because of the high divorce rate, we want to see if things work out first.” But now the truth they have learnt is that couples who live together score significantly lower in both marital communications and overall satisfaction. On the surface, a trial run at marriage may seem to make sense, allowing one to screen out less compatible mates. But it doesn’t work out that way. Couples who live together before marriage actually have a 50% greater chance of divorce than those who don’t. And about 60% of couples who cohabit break up without marrying. Living together before marriage is different from living together in marriage, because there is no binding commitment to support the relationship.
Richard-Rose couple’s fourth reasoning was: “We need to get to know one another first. Later we’ll start having kids.” But the actual truth is, cohabitation is actually the worst way to get to know another person, because it shortcuts the true development of lasting friendship. Those who live together before marriage often report an over-reliance on sexual expression and less emphasis on conversation and other ways of communication – ways that ultimately lead to a more fulfilling sexual union after marriage. We don’t need to cohabit to have a deeper appreciation of one another, shared ideals and dreams, and a mutual understanding of one another’s values.
Their fifth reasoning was: “The Church is just outdated and out of touch with its thinking in this matter. Birth control made those old rules obsolete.” But honestly cohabitation is unchristian and stands against human dignity, mutual trust and against cultural and traditional values of any self-respecting culture.
Fr. Lazar Arasu SDB is a Catholic Priest and School Administrator. You can reach him on his email: arasuafrica@gmail.com
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