For single parents, getting over that monster break-up does not get any simple. Remembering the good times with him or her wrecks your heart’s even the more. Many attempt even to detest relating again as no one else seems a suitable match. At times you are convinced that no one is worthy your trust as you feel betrayed. It’s even worse once you had children out of the past relationship.
You are forced to resort to single Parenthood as you feel another man or woman in your life would mistreat your children. You feel dejected and worked out until you finally settle to the reality that no happiness comes out of living alone. Marriage is a union designed in heaven. It completes a man just as it does to a woman. No level of success in life can ever be explained without a woman or a man in one’s life. Trust me one can never be the good parent the wish to be while they stay a lone.
It’s at this point that the most important decision of replacing your ex comes to life. You feel your children deserve to have two people to call parents. As for a man, they need someone to prepare their breakfast and prepare them for school. Someone they can talk to about things they can only trust a mother with especially if it’s girl child. You need that close person to consult when parenting becomes a problem to you. And as such,you choose to remarry.
Here,there are chances that a bigger challenge is likely to erupt either in the short run or even forever. The problem normally comes from the children’s side and failure by the parents to act appropriately which aggravates into a battle unlikely to be won by either sides. You have to believe me that the children from the past relationship will always be the first priority in the life of that woman or man at least at the time of getting another person into their life.
Marrying is only a secondary issue. They care about their children more than their partners. Accepting them first should be the first step towards owning your spouse fully, failure to do which,will keep you just at the surface of their hearts forever. Full acceptance is only gradual.
The breakup doesn’t affect parents in isolation. Children too bare a big psychological challenge and they yearn to find someone to blame for their misfortune of not having to live together with both parents. As such,they develop much affection towards the one available parent whose love they are willing to guard so jealously at whatever cost. When he or she finally remarries,they would definitely not accept the new relationship for a number of reasons, among which include the following;
Marrying means dividing or shifting the attention you had for your children to your spouse. To the children,this is interpreted as betrayal as they feel you destroyed their trust and chose another person over them. As such,they are unable to accept this and they end up shifting the blame to the person they view as an intruder into their life.
Secondly, if the break up was not out of death, the only person they will want to come into the house is their mother or biological father, short of which will be a disappointment to them and they will not easily accept them.
Thirdly, children with single parents enjoy unlimited liberty as the vacuum left by one of the parents leaves them with much time to act as they wish. While as this liberty is detrimental in the long run,it’s not something you can easily explain to people of that age.
The influence of the outsiders also plays a major role in the lives of your children. Once they are told that woman is not their mother or that man is not their father, they will want to show that out to them .
These reasons among others breed trouble in the home and if not handled carefully,may lead to another break up.
The way the parents react to this situation dictates the depth of the repercussions. The biggest mistake one would commit is telling their spouse that the children are their first priority because naturally, a man or woman would always expect to be the first priority and that he or she is there to support you in raising the children. The moment you say this to them, they will feel insecure which will create envy in her or his heart towards your children.
Lawrence Kagimu (not real names), says he has decided to live alone because all the women he tried to marry failed to treat his children well. To him, his children would always be the first priority and whoever failed to care and accept that as a fact would never live with him. To him,he would always tell whoever he was marrying that children at home are his only thing and nothing or no one could ever replace them. And that’s where the problem begins.
Once the children get to know it in this angle, they will become stubborn, unruly and rebellious. They will report to you even what they wouldn’t report had they been with their biological parents. If you are not careful,the relationship will be in shambles before you know it. Your spouse will naturally also report them to you in anticipation that you will protect him or her against the tyranny of your children. It’s truly a trying situation and confusing as well and many react differently.
The worst reaction is taking sides. If you side with your partner,it will make your children feel dejected and vice versa. They both have valid reasons for their actions and it only takes good arbitration to condense the friction. Gently ask your spouse to try and understand that your children are undergoing a certain psychological state in their lives and accepting him or her will take time and that your cardinal role as parents is to help them through this stage. She or He will then look after them with respect and love, knowing that someone appreciates their efforts. They will also be able to overlook some flows in them knowing they are just children. They will in turn love her or him just like their biological parents.
In the same way,talk to your children with love to let them move on from their past. Tell them having to part with their mother or father was the hardest thing for you just like them. That had there been something to keep him or her, you would have tried to stop her but there was only one way. Let them know moving on was the best thing for you to do for all of you and that nothing could be reversed. Let them know that new woman is their mother and for ever she will be and the children she has or she will have will be their brothers and sisters. This way, they will have self worth and esteem and feel involved in the decision making on important issues in your lives.
Never let your life to be ruined by a break-up. Nothing is guaranteed in life apart from life itself. She or he will leave but life still has to go on.
Do you have a story in your community or an opinion to share with us: Email us at editorial@watchdoguganda.com
