There is an interesting conversation that has been brewing online, ignited by my friend James Onen aka Fat Boy. In what has angered some people, and excited others in equal measure; each side attracting a sizeable camp of followers and ardent defenders, Onen says that any man worth his name must not change diapers. He avers that he can’t change diapers- its a role of the mother. His job is to bring in the money.
He adds that he sees his role as a provider of what the mother and baby need- perhaps he means material needs….Otherwise changing diapers may also be a need. As long as he is making money and providing for his family, he has no business with changing diapers. That has not sat well with many of his followers- some labeling him as so traditional and conservative and others defending him, including women, as absolutely right.
As I have aged, I have learnt to respect peoples views- even when I strongly disagree. As such, I am jumping into this conversation not to side with James or fry him but to share my experience as one who has children that are a little older. If there is anything my experience teaches anyone, then I will have succeeded in my intention.
James belongs to the school of thought that many men are being wheeled by nortions of feminism into a weak position in which they become a shadow of themselves – simps. He feels- or so I imagine, that by adjusting their masculine posture to an overly submissive position, they are losing the punch, the weight, the sharpness and leadership or providence role they should in the family. You can disagree with him, but that is his view- from what I have read.
You can disagree with him, you can want to slaughter him but he is not one you win an argument by using emotions. You have to engage him soberly, with reason and logic. He loves reason, and will grab any fault lines in your arguments to flow you down – flat.
Here is my opinion.
We had our first child in 2013. At the time, I was teaching at University. At university, you are not teaching everyday. So you have plenty of time to be home. As such I had plenty of opportunity to spend time with the baby.
When my wife had exhausted her leave days around May, we were just getting holidays at University, so I had all the time to be with the baby as ‘management’ went back to work.
I changed diapers. I won’t lie to you, at first I didn’t like it. I thought it was a woman’s job. It felt dirty. But over time, I realized that this was not a woman’s baby, this was my blood- my child too. Someone born of my blood and flesh. So there was nothing strange or alien about me changing diapers. I realized that what the baby was doing, is what I also do. But in my case I could help myself. The baby couldn’t. They needed someone to help. When I was young, my parents helped me. It was now my turn to help someone else. I did it with love and passion. I felt good to have participated in that stage of her life.
As children grow up, especially girls, they grow away from you- in a sense. They gain their independence and cut out their road in life. If you miss to bond with them at that time, you have lost the opportunity to touch the fiber of fatherhood.
I learnt that being father is not about buying stuff. Today, even women can buy those things. In fact, in todays world, women are literally doing all things we traditionally have had the privilege of doing. So, the man must adjust his position and come nearer the child and engage. If traditionally, we only provided material stuff, we must now rethink our position in the family.
In any male space, men will want to put up an aggressive posture almost akin to being emotionless. But deep down their rough skins and rugged faces, there is always a longing for connection, for love, a feeling of vulnerability of some sort. In fact, some physiologists say that those who tend to put up a brave face are running a way from some form of insecurity.
The projection of their strength is a way to hide their weakness. They fear to be seen as weak. They are trying to prove something. I don’t know how far true that is but many of us men may be living this reality. We are all the time trying to prove our manhood. Why arr we always trying to project our image as being ‘man enough’? What is the problem? But that’s a debate for another day.
The social script says our posture must always be ‘manly’, aka strong, aggressive, emotionless, detached and unconnected. We are often told to play tough. Play emotionless. Play rough. That that’s what it means to be a man.
We have been raise to believe that as long as you provide money, your job is done. Perhaps this explains why children often tend to side or grow towards their mothers. Women tend to spend more time with children. Regards of what the father buys, their mother will always be the jewel- because they spent more time with them. It seems to me then, that time and spending it with kids is the real provision.
It appears to me that time – or spending time with children, is as important as providing material things for them. While children like material things, their relationship with their parents is more important than what they give them. Part of that relationship is mediated by what material things they get from the parents but a large part of it is driven by time spent together.
As such, it may be a good idea to consider reflecting on how much time and presence we give to our children.
I remember when I was young, if my mother was away, I felt so insecure. If my father didn’t return or be present, I felt incomplete. Children love the contact and touch of their parents. This is the reason, I believe, children love their parents regardless of how much they have or don’t have. Material things are secondary.
Love is born out of contact. Love is born out of presence. Love is born out bonding. Men, must shade off the fear of being vulnerable and bond with their children.
The window to bond is very narrow. After that time, when kids are young, it’s hard for children to connect with people that have not been in their lives- unless they are significant others like a spouse or friend (in which case, contact and time together is still the fuel that flames the relationship).
I also realized that if I was to say I loved my spouse, there was no way I would look at the baby soiled in dirt and I simply look on- because it’s a woman’s thing.
Babies can eat poo – if you are not careful. Sometimes, it saves your money by cleaning then fast. By waiting and calling the mother to clean the baby, you risk the health of the baby and your own money which will go towards treating the baby when they get sick from eating poo, while you were watching- because you are a man ( oh how stupid we can be sometimes).
I realized that this position called a man, that space, is overinflated. We have got into so many problems simply because we are told to be men. We make many stupid decisions just for the sake of maintaining an image no one gives a damn about. Our health seeking behaviors are poor and we die early because we take unnecessary risks. This position needs to be reflected upon.
As my daughter wheels away from the infant stage and edges towards the teen ‘ache’, I can only tell you one thing: Nothing I have ever bought made me feel a better father. No money I have ever spent made me feel a great man. But I remember every time I changed diapers.
I remember every minute I carried her when she cried. I remember every time I took her to hospital. I remember, and feel proud of every moment I took a role, that I had traditionally assumed was meant to be done by management. If I was to evaluate my worth as a man, it is those times I look to and see if I passed the test.
Money, every man will make. Your wife can even marry another man and they will provide all the money she needs for your child. But changing diapers and being physically present for your child is the greatest gift you can give your child and it’s a memory your will cherish and live with all your life. By changing diapers, you are not helping a woman. You are purely helping yourself. There is so much to gain. So much to take away. As you grow older, memories become the source of your joy. The things you did not do become your reserves or of pain. The missed opportunity to bond becomes your regret.
I understand that there are women who don’t mind as long as a man provides all the money to take care of the needs of their children. However, beyond the mother’s hand and touch, children need the touch and care of their father.
As you clean or change diapers, your baby is looking at you, and smiling because you are giving them comfort. That, my friend is beyond any price. It’s a memory to carry. It’s what makes you a man.
The babies may not be old enough to remember, but that thing, creates a bond I have no words to describe. We should not be ashamed to play these roles.
I respect men that provide for their families. I celebrate men who not only provide material and financial support but who go beyond and provide the most prized gifts of all- physical care and presence to their children- including doing what is seen as a woman job- changing diapers.
The worth of a man is not simply what other men see him to be doing, or what passes as manly. It is also, that, which he sets as a standard, to which society is not the examiner but an observer of his acts. The definition of a man: to change diapers and be seen as a simp by other men or to change diapers and see oneself as a great man?
Must a man define himself or allow himself to be subject to the subject of debate and patronizing characterization by others? I would think the former is a man, the later a simp.
One should be his own man, not a man of other men. To change diapers does not make one a woman nor does providing- financially, make a woman a man. We should simply just jointly add value to each and live in ways that make each other’s lives simpler.
If to change diapers makes your wife’s life simpler, please do. No body gives a damn. You are your own man and you should live on your own terms. We should not fall prey to the movement that is projecting some image of a man- as being this or that. In the end, it is not the P or V that changes diapers. It is hands, and both got a pair. Be useful to your partner.
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