It is a generally accepted and settled matter – lawyers say ‘trite law’ – that there will be no lawyers in heaven; hell, no! In fact the matter is now deemed res judicata – considered ‘sufficiently adjudicated upon’ and cannot be argued before any court again.
What has not been disposed of is what happens to judges – and those magistrates – (together called the Bench) when they die.
My mind went spiraling just a bit when someone sent pictures of women being loaded onto a prison truck, for onward conveyance to prison. Their crime? “Disobeying the directives of the President…blah blah”.
Simple, ordinary women who were selling mangoes and pawpaws, trying to get money to feed their families in an area where the role of men is generally, with a few exceptions, known and accepted to be drinking all day and marrying more women. Everything else is done by the women. Three or four of the women had naked babies…but they were going to prison. Simply heartbreaking!
From the outside looking in, it appears the women failed to apply for bail; or they applied but had no sureties (substantial or otherwise) and cash, or the court told them their bail application could be heard another day.
So the mothers of the nation were carted off to jail on a lorry! What kind of government puts our ladies on a truck? These banana republics!
The law actually provides for people to be given bail “on their own recognizance” – with neither money nor sureties, depending on the circumstances. But there will be a cold day in hell before you see that happen in Uganda where the Bench loves nothing better than send people to jail at the slightest excuse, even where it is unnecessary or manifestly unconscionable to do so. Jail appears mandatory to most of them. It’s not unfair to presume that some judicial officers will balk when they hear the word “bail” anywhere and beam with pleasure when they hear “jail”.
Their ‘make my day’, I think, begins with sending someone to jail; and if they don’t, they, in all likelihood won’t sleep well. Heck, they might even not have appetite to have their dinner, or things ejusdem generis.
I couldn’t sleep all night; wondering whether Heaven would find room for a magistrate who has no problem sending clearly hapless and helpless people – the desolate and downtrodden, the wretched of the earth, the lumpen proletariat who have no one to speak for them against an oppressive government – to jail when there is every good reason to let them go home and report to court every so often.
To the Bench later, but first, the Bar, which, like we all know, simply cannot make heaven; but there might be a few exceptions, which one ought to bear in mind, lest you see some lawyers in heaven and move along, thinking you are at the wrong address!
The Uganda Law Society (ULS) President Simon Peter Kinobe for example, will be at the gates of Heaven – for the sole purpose of identifying his members and directing them to the proper address, lest by accident they find themselves in heaven. When they present their ULS IDs, the President is required to check that these are not forged IDs and that his signature, so nicely forged when someone issued the Speaker of Parliament Rebecca Kadaga a really nice “Certificate of Incompetence”, has not been forged again with equal distinction. And when all his lawyers are safely gathered into hell, then President Kinobe would be expected to join them.
Past ULS Presidents – Remmy Kasule, John Mary Mugisha (JMM), Deo Nkuzingoma, James Sebugenyi, Ruth Ssebatindira, Francis Gimara (that one will lead a Bible Class every Wednesday), et al, will have already arrived in hell; and learning to their disappointment that ranks such as Senior Counsel do not count for much in eternity.
One exception. Senior Counsel Oscar Kihika, a former ULS President, just might be seen around heaven, apparently asking for leave to proceed to the piano; for he has checked and found that, for some reason, there is no piano in hell, so can he, at least on weekends, be allowed to caress those glittering giant pianos that litter the streets of gold? It is safe to suppose that his application would take a while to be granted, because there are serious aggravating factors; principal of which is that he was not only a lawyer, but also the Chief legal advisor to the ruling National Resistance Movement (NRM).
With a record like that, Oscar might require the Lord to exercise His “Prerogative of Mercy” for him to be allowed on the City That Glitters. But first, Apostle Peter, wearing a badge “Fisherman (Rtd)” might have a mind to pull Oscar aside and ask if he has ever smoked at all…and if so, whether he still does.
“Heaven is ‘no smoking’,” he explains matter-of-factly, adding that for that matter all BAT lawyers are not even allowed anywhere near here on their way to their eternal home. They make heaven reek of tobacco.
Counsel Nelson Walusimbi who is currently running for ULS presidency, will also most likely be found in heaven; but wearing a large visitor’s card around his neck. That is the chap who for all intents and purposes, led a strike over the integrity of the newly formed ICAMEK – International Centre for Mediation and Arbitration Kampala. His skills will be necessary in endless shuttle diplomacy, to convince the Lord that matters between The Most High and the Bar can actually be settled through mediation.
“My Lord, you don’t have to go this far,” he will be saying, pointing at the Cause List for the Great White Throne Judgment.
The bookworms like Prof. Chris Mbaziira, Dr. Busingye Kabumba and Dr. Ron. Kakungulu…you’ll likely see them in the library of heaven, having been granted leave to carry out research on jurisdiction matters, so they can challenge the Most High – I mean, God is really nice. Prof. Ben Shokoro, who agrees appeal is impossible, but review might be feasible, will have been given provisional admission to the library; on condition that he asks for nothing stronger than a juice, soda or coffee. “In heaven we don’t serve beer,” Apostle Dr. Luke the Librarian explains, as Shokoro signs an acceptance form agreeing to the terms and conditions.
Prof. Fred Jjuuko will have been advised not to bother with any application…he is a known communist. On matters of principle (undisclosed), Prof. Oloka Onyango and Prof. John Ntambirweki are in solitary confinement. Same for all prosecutors and attorneys of state; those ones lied too much – far more than all the other lawyers combined.
Then there are some like Didas Bakunzi, Okello Jabweli, Pius Katunzi, Moses Sserwanga and others who were journalists before they joined law school and therefore showed up at Heaven’s Gate with both a ULS ID and a Press Card each. Such will be asked to step aside, to allow room for further consultations. In the same category is a certain Gen. Kale Kaihura and Speaker Rebecca Kadaga.
“Ladies first,” says Apostle Peter to Gen. Kale, who had begun to explain his heroics in the Bush War to a disinterested Apostle. Kadaga is advised that if the “Certificate of Incompetence” was fake…then she must proceed to hell. Gen. Kale whose certificate certainly wasn’t fake, has a good chance therefore and he is pacing up and down, fingers crossed.
There will also be a long line of those claiming not to be real lawyers. You have the Corporate Lawyers (distinguished by the smell of expensive perfumes, fortified wines and fine spirits like Black Label, Vodka, etc). Then those without jackets: the ones who worked in civil service as this and that but always left their jackets on the back of their seats, pretending to still be around. And then the ones in Non-Governmental Organisations (NGOs) still carrying huge project proposals and signed blank cheques.
“We were lawyers, but nothing really dangerous,” they say to the bewildered Fisherman (Rtd). “We never showed up in court. Just drafted pleadings and wrote legal opinions.”
Kinobe is anxious to know the fate of Counsel Eron Kiiza.
The Fisherman (Rtd) laughs and says that was the easiest matter to handle. “Eron and judges don’t mix,” he explains to Kinobe, whose goatee certainly could use a barber’s attention. “After his showdown with Justice Murangira, Heaven decided that he’s a high risk. If he is let in, he will begin, by demanding for the rights of lawyers to be observed, asking how come there is only one God, when does His term of office end and how can we introduce term limits? After that he’ll ask The Most High to recuse from the matter, citing conflict of interest, blah blah. We cannot run Heaven’s Court like that, listening to lawyers who don checked brown suits. Completely unacceptable!”
Kinobe asks about Edgar Tabaro, Kiryowa Kiwanuka, Cornelius Mukiibi…but Fisherman (Rtd) tells him this is no time to crack jokes.
A certain Isaac Ssemakadde will also be present – but locked up in a side room on the Waiting Wing located between Arrivals Lounge and Clearance Desk at the Pearly Gates. Apostle Peter has just explained to Isaac the virtues of combing one’s hair every day. He is of the considered view that he will not get a chance to present his case to God unless he undertakes in writing to be of good behavior, speak proper, decent language, renounce his friendship with a certain Dr. Stella Nyanzi, unlearn all she tutored him in and also pull down his notorious tweets that all of Heaven did note, insulted the modesty of the DPP. How could he insult such a nice woman, without even considering the fact that she keeps her hair short? That is unforgivable and for that matter, with a record like that, he cannot be admitted into heaven.
Apostle Peter is also a bit puzzled with Ssemakadde; the chap scored A’s in Physics, Chemistry and Mathematics, and just when the Makerere Faculty of Technology was warming up to receive him at the far end of the campus, the boy managed to show up at the Faculty of Law, which is just to the left, as soon as you enter Makerere. Peter is checking if there was a mix-up of some kind, just to be sure. In the meantime, he has provided Ssemakadde with a ream of paper to write explain himself, in his very good English and assured him that fisherman though he used to be, he has since improved his English and will understand whatever Counsel writes. He has also provided him with a laptop to pull down his tweets against the DPP.
Apostle Peter is still in Ssemakadde’s room, when Peter Kinobe pulls him aside, arm around shoulder: “Oweerinnya (namesake),” he says. “I think you can now see for yourself how much trouble that boy gave me in my tenure as President.”
Apostle Peter is about to tell Kinobe not to get too familiar with those namesake things but Archangel Gabriel shows up, whispers into his ear. The Fisherman (rtd) nods his head and, as Gabriel flies away, turns to Ssemakadde with a solemn expression. Ssemakadde is busy writing, while holding his hand out for more paper; the ream is finished.
“I am sorry Counsel Isaac,” says He. “My instructions are that, in addition to what I told you, there is a further condition sine qua non: given your circumstances, the Lord says you must accompany your documents with a Certificate of No Objection from the DPP before He can even read whatever you are writing.”
Isaac looks up, surprised…and opens his mouth to raise a Preliminary Objection but the Fisherman (Rtd) has moved on to the Library where there is commotion. Apostle Dr. Luke explains that a certain really shady professor is insisting that the terms and conditions of his admittance were restricted to not asking for certain dubious beverages.
“There is no provision forbidding me to enjoy a learned and enlightened observation of female angels,” he explains.
See?
So where do judges go when they die?
Coming up…
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