Recently, while resting on my bed, eyes on the roof, my mind somewhere 6 months in the future, I was awoken by a sharp punch inside my stomach. I was thinking about so many things- as always.
It has become so routine that not to be thinking almost makes you feel like you are not progressing.
There is always an unending urge to win something, next week, next month or next year. Our minds are always racing into the future to figure out how you will achieve those wins. We are, for the most part, not experiencing the present.
While I lay there, buried in my haunting thoughts, i was awoken by a very sharp in my stomach. I was feeling very hungry yet there was plenty of food in the house.
Food! Not again. I thought about the whole process of waking up- moving my tired body, dragging it down the bed, waking to the kitchen and then starting the whole process of preparing the food. It just want something I was pleasantly going to do. However, as they say, hunger is the best motivation. Somehow I had to wake up and prepare something.
From the variety that I could choose from, I chose to go for the low hanging fruit- spaghetti. It checks all the boxes- Yummy, quick ready, and won’t have me standing in the kitchen washing the utensils I had used in the process of cooking. All I had to do was get it straight from the packet to the sauce pan.
Like a legend, I had it ready in a few. I seasoned it with some spanky Indian spices. It tasted great- in a way that almost made me start to think I am the best cook around town. It tasted great.
I walked back to my bedroom, plateful of spaghetti in hand, and gave myself a treat. I downed it with flare, a beautiful movie- a beautiful mind, supplying the mood and vibe for the whole experience.
When I was done eating, I felt a sense of achievement. All of a sudden I felt as though I had accomplished something. My mind retired to the present. It felt good that I had prepared my own food. There was something interestingly beautiful about it.
I walked back to the kitchen, washed the few utensils I had piled in the sink- we always do, and placed them back where management usually puts them. There is an order she has with the kitchen and it disturbs her that for years, I seem not to see that OBVIOUS need to maintain the order. Anyhow, she has calmed down, and learnt to live with her mess- me.
As I drew back, I saw the kitchen beaming with order and beauty. There was a pattern, there was a character, there was a face to it. The kitchen, while organized, had a life. It was alive. I started to realize that there seems to be things I look at but don’t see, which perhaps my wife or women tend to see, and derive satisfaction from.
I walked back to the bedroom, with a light heart, feeling centered and accomplished. For some reason, I was feeling happy and present. Reason, I couldn’t put a finger to anything in particular.
I one who likes to dig deep into my experiences. So i started to open pages in my mind… to figure out what the moment meant and why there seemed to be a simple but beautiful happiness in my mind.
And it wasn’t without context. For many years, I have observed my wife, my mother and women in general, they seem to find a lot of fulfillment in doing something… getting their hands to something. On the contrary, I liked to do things with my mind. Not that those don’t work with their minds but I loved the thinking- more, than the doing.
For years, I have looked at my wife re-organizing organdies stuff in the house, creating patterns, doing something- most of the time. As for me, I would find the shortest cut around any hand task. This is perhaps why bathing, when am not feeling need, I guess, is always an issue.
For her, and for many women, while
Society has put a lot of pressure on them to do things, especially at home- and this is not fair, there seems to be a satisfaction women derive from doing the small things and getting those quick wins.
You can look at a woman doing her self- care with so much depth and intimacy. They will do this… do that… move here… go there. Making a hundred wins a day.
For us men, we are lie to ourselves that we are thinking about big, strategic things. Sometimes we win them, sometimes we fail. And I am thinking, because women tend to set small and simple targets, as they escalate them into medium and long term, they tend to achieve more and get ‘I did it’ mental orgasms more.
Imagine what a woman has to do in a day. Wake up in the morning, do personal care, think about children, get them ready for school, think about food, home management and so much more. They start and work out so many things and in some sense, almost achieve 100% of those small targets they set. So, in their minds, they have won something.
For us, men, apart from the job we do for money- many times which many don’t even like, there is little, apart from driving to work, that we do to get some wins.
We don’t do the dishes(in Uganda), we don’t put a lot of time on personal care, we don’t organize the house… we don’t use our hands a lot. We don’t do much in the house – and that can feel like a freedom but it’s actually a bad thing for us- I realize.
By not engaging out hands in some short term goals and targets, we fail to make the small wins that give us the pleasure of waiting for the big wins. Most times, we are hauntingly waiting for what will never be.
You are waiting for the next money, next business, next win. You sit at home, watch TV, do everything to escape the present, because the mind is not being stimulated.
In some cases, due to this boredom which we have driven ourselves into, sometimes it evolves into sexual adventures. Due to the need for some kind of win… you may be forced to look for a way to win… to feel a sense of achievement. So you pursue a girl or lady- usually a hard one to get and when you succeed in sleeping with her, you feel a sense of achievement. A win. A feeling, that perhaps you are good at something… that you are a man. You won.
That simple thirst for a small win, as you wait for the big wins… has driven us into all sorts of issues. You down beers, spend money on unnecessary things… just to escape the present because it’s not filled with any win. When all we needed to do was wash the dishes, prepare a meal, plant a new flower in the garden or do something alone or with those around you, to feel a sense of progress. To occupy your mind with the environment it needs to sustain the long pursuits.
I am starting to think that women, and I hope I am not generalizing, tend to be happier than men, partly, if not largely, due to their level of engagement in daily life. They tend to do things- and not just think about them.
They fill their day with something practical. They put all their hands and minds on deck. They achieve something- everyday. Even if a day were so free that one had to do nothing, Atleast the woman will shower and feel something. While a man will comfortably slip into his bed without that one action. I am not saying all men are this lazy.
This observation makes me think that as men, there is so much we can salvage by engaging in simple daily work to score those small points that add to the health of our minds. We are too into the future. Always worrying about the next busines we will get, the next game our team will win, the next thing to come.
Everyday, we have so many things around us that we can do to give us a sense of fulfillment. There is so much we can do in the house, outside the house and outdone our homes. Find something to do. Something simple. There is a lot of exercise to be gained from doing it but also a lot of mental health to score from these engagements.
Don’t wait to win next week, month or year. Win a family for your family. Earning the money to make it is not enough. Plant a flower in the garden. Play with the kids. Write something. Carry your wife or kids. Fix something at home. Volunteer in your community. Do something with your hand. Do something for today, today.
The future we are waiting for has enough that will come with it. As you wait, do something today. Win something. Engage. Participate. You will feel better.
Women, even with all the problems and challenges that come with occupying that space in a purely dominated society, there seems to be a happiness that they live that has eluded men. And it seems to me, that by preparing my simple meal and washing the utensils, I just landed on a lesson that could change my life for good.
As the economy tightens it grip on us, men are so worried because the future of the family, always, sadly, rests on them- or Atleast that is what society expects. Men are worried about where the next meal will come from. Some have run away from responsibility because the pressure of the future is too much. May be, just may be, we should be first focus on the present, be present and get some small wins as we wait for the big wins.
Can we learn to take pleasure in small wins. Don’t pay for everything or let those who care for you do everything. Polish your shoes. Wash your car. Do the dishes. Wash your wife’s bra. Brush your teeth. Take a simple walk. Run. Exercise. Do something with your hands. Aim, shoot and celebrate at those small wins. Plant some onions in your little garden. Attend to the children. Do something that men usually don’t at home. Enjoy it.
Could we try to adjust and learn to live each day at a time? Can we try and withdraw from over thinking about the future and first deal with the present. Ensure you make some five wins everyday. There is plenty of chance to win something without needing much resources. Let’s not be so worried. We shall do just fine.
This is a letter to myself, not anyone else. I am really thinking about these these things. I hope others think about them too.
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