There’s something about being close to a creative powerhouse that’s incredibly sexy, especially if they’re a hyper-intelligent pan-sexual being from the planet Phwoarrr like all the very best pop stars are. But that doesn’t mean dating a musician is a good idea, especially if that musician is playing pubs. To misquote Mansun, they can only disappoint U.
1. It’s not a proper job
Your dad’s right: it’s not a proper job. The number of musicians making a living from music is vanishingly small and, as the musicians union reports, ‘half of musicians have no regular employment whatsoever’. And that’s the professionals. Bands playing local pubs often lose money. If you’re looking for a golden ticket you might be better off trying to find a Wonka chocolate bar.
2. You’ll be their sugar daddy or mummy
What do you call a bassist without a girlfriend? Homeless.
3. You’ll worry about groupies
No matter how weird or unusual-looking your partner is, some strangers will want to s**g them purely because they’re a musician. While it’s more apparent when the musician’s famous, they’ll still attract attention doing covers at the Dog & Duck. That kind of attention can turn musicians’ heads.
4. You’ll spend endless hours in hell holes
As the partner of a musician, you’ll want to show your support and/or deter groupies. That means travelling long distances to watch them perform to three drunks and a murderer in what smells like a converted public toilet.
5. You won’t like their band members’ partners
Or their band members, come to think of it.
6. They’ll write songs about you
That’s only good if they’re good songs, and not about your sex life.
7. They sing about their exes
And you wonder if you’ll be next.
8. They’re always away
Being a musician is largely rushing around to places where you then have to sit and do nothing for hours. The Rolling Stones’ Charlie Watts described his career as ’20 years of hanging about’, and that’s even truer for aspiring musicians who’ll travel for hours to be at a venue seven hours before they get to make a single sound. And when they’re not gigging, they’re rehearsing in a shed somewhere.
9. Their band might be rubbish
Let’s be honest. For every true talent cruelly shunned by the evil record industry, there are loads of bands who didn’t get anywhere because they were crap. Odds are your partner’s band falls into that category.
10. They don’t want to grow up
Refusing to work for The Man and wearing stupid clothes while you wait to become a pop star is fun when you’re in your twenties, but if you’re still waiting to be discovered in your forties it’s time to get a haircut and pack the spandex trousers away. Permanently.